McMother’s Day

Mother’s Day. The day I get up and make my world-famous cheese omelet for my wife. I get up and get in the kitchen and start cooking. I got the eggs cracked in a bowl, the butter in the frying pan and the cheese at the ready.

The wife calls to me, “What are you doing?”

Me: “Making you breakfast.”

Her: “What?”

Me: (ready for the excited gasp) “Cheese omelet!” (I’m famous for this FYI)

Her: “No.”

Me: “Huh?” (again, world fucking famous)

Her: “Can you go to McDonald’s instead?”

Me: (relieved… I’m kinda famous for my McDonald’s trips as well) “Sure.What do you want?”

Her: “Just coffee and some hash browns.”

So I finish the eggs since I can’t just let ’em go to waste. I just make scrambled eggs with no cheese. Pretty bland. The wife eats them anyway.

Jake and I jump in the car and head to Mickey D’s. I’m pulling into the parking lot and some lady blows past in front of me. She didn’t even see me. She was Asian. Happy Mother’s Day, stereotype! Due to her cutting me off, two cars get ahead of me in the drive thru lane. The line stretches back to the front door and I am now blocking a guy that parked right up front. You know that motherfucker was thinking when he parked, “Yes! Right by the front door! Yay me, good parking job!” Then he comes out all full on McGriddles and black coffee (he looked like the black coffee kind of guy) and was all, “Well shit my pants and call me Sugar. Now I’m blocked in.” Eventually the line moves and I pull up to order. The speaker blasts at me, “Hello and welcome to McDonald’s! Would you care for a nice mocha frappe’ today?” I know it’s a recording, but I always say, “No thank you.” Then I feel like an idiot for being friendly to a speaker. Then a real person speaks.

Real person: “Can I take your order?”

Me: “Yes, can I get three biscuits and gravy (hey, there a buck each…), a medium Coke and a large coffee please?”

Real person: “Is your order correct on the screen?”

The screen shows a picture of a black kid playing with a transformer, then shifts to an old white man eating a burger.

Me: “Yes, can I get extra gravy on my old white man?”

(I really didn’t say that)

I pull forward and give my money to the check out girl. She gives me my change and wishes me a Happy Mother’s Day. I decide against crawling through the window and assaulting her. I pull forward and the lady at the window tells me something no one ever wants to hear at the drive-thru:

Food lady: “Pull forward please and we’ll bring your order out to you.”

I fucking hate that. Did it surprise you McDonald’s that people would be coming to eat breakfast? Did someone suddenly scream out, “We have a biscuit emergency! BISCUIT EMERGENCY!” and shut down the run? Stop the biscuit presses? Now I have to pull up and block the sidewalk to people have to walk through the grass to get to the door. And they glare at me. Like I decided, “Fuck it, let’s park 10 feet from the drive-thru window and have a picnic! Whadda ya say!”

Eventually, I get my food and start to pull out of the parking lot, homeward bound. I got my biscuits and gravy, my Coke… got Jake his biscuits and gravy (he wanted a Sprite, but read the post previous to this on why he didn’t get it)… and I got the wife her coffee and… fuck. I forgot her hash browns. The only reason I went, for her, for Mother’s Day. And I forget the hash browns.

I pull back around to the drive-thru entrance. And lo and behold, there is only one car! Saints be praised! (Say that with a thick Scottish accent for full effect.) I get behind this guy and wait my turn.

You know those big picture menus that McDonald’s puts up before you get to the window? There is no speaker, its just there for you to look at while waiting in line? Well, this guy is just sitting there. Waiting. No one in front of him. I figure he just had a brain fart and will pull up in a few seconds.

<few seconds go by>

I’m still waiting. Do I honk or pull around him? Nah, that is rather dickish. He’ll get a clue soon.


Still waiting. So I stick my hand out of the window and wave it. In the conext of things, this makes no sense. Is the guy supposed to see me waving and think, “Oh, I see this gentleman behind me is giving me the universal signal for ‘You are at the wrong place, sir. Pull forward.'” and pull forward? No, he probably thinks I’m just stupid. Regardless, he pulls up. This McDonald’s has two speakers to order from. The second is obviously for someone second in line. They are labeled with a huge “#1” and “#2”. At #2, there is a recording that says, “Please pull forward.” So what does this guy do? Here is a multiple choice test:

A. Pull Forward

B. Sit there

C. Turn into Megatron

It was ‘B’. Yeah, I was hoping for ‘C’ as well…

Again, what is etiquette in this? I know he should pull up. No one is going to take his order. If I honk, its kind of helping him. Maybe I should honk. I ask Jake. He says yes. He’s ten. I wait. I hear the speaker (for the second time) say, “Please pull forward.” This time he does. Crisis = averted.

Now, you would figure a guy that has started at two fucking menus would be all about ordering him some food. I knew what I wanted when I left the house. I mean, it’s McDonald’s ya know. Make the fucking leap. But he doesn’t have a clue what he wants. I think he tries to order lunch. That is a common mistake… no one know when McDonald’s changes from breakfast to lunch. So I normally wouldn’t hold it against him. But he is trying to order lunch from Wendy’s.

I kid.

Seriously, this guy takes forever to order. And when I pull up, his order is still blinking on the screen. Dude got a southern chicken biscuit and a cup of coffee. Really? It took you five minutes and three menus to decide on that? My hatred for mankind just rose exponentially. That means “a lot”.

This time when the recorded voice if I’d like a mocha frappe’. I say, “No thank you, robot. That is not acceptable!” A few seconds go by. Then “Can I take your order?” I just realized they either don’t hear what you say or don’t care. This is going in my pocket for future funtimes.

I order my single hash brown and pull up.

Hey, it’s Mr. Clueless at the first window! He is just sitting there. No way they haven’t taken his money already. Does he think this is the window to pay AND get your food? Hasn’t this guy been to a drive-thru since 1987? Jeez. I think he is trying to barter for his food.

Money lady: “$4.28 please sir.”

Mr. Clueless: “What say we come at this from another angle. I will mow your yard AND bring you a nice chicken, still of birthing age.”

Money lady: “No.. sir… just $4.28 please.”

Mr. Clueless: “OK, I see. What say I bring a dozen fresh, brown eggs as well. Does that sweeten the pot?”

Money lady: “Sir… I… uh… $4.28, please.”

Mr. Clueless: “You drive a hard bargain, young lady. OK, lets do this. Yard mowed, chicken, a dozen eggs AND I come inside and entertain your customers with my rendition of “Mr. Bojangles”. What do you say!?”

Whatever happens, he eventually pulls up and gets his food. Finally! I pull up to the window, awaiting my lone hash brown(s).

Food lady: “Can you pull up sir? We’ll bring your order right out.”

I am updating my blog from the county jail, awaiting my wife to come pick me up.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Published in: on May 9, 2010 at 10:10 am  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. HAHA-Frickin-hilarious! Hope your wife enjoyed her hashbrowns! Glad you guys made it through the storms. L

    • She enjoyed them. I think… Thanks 🙂

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